Friday, December 15, 2006
Time....It's only time that is moving forward, it's the only thing that is making it's Job. It's the only thing that we both share. We both live in the same time.
I... I am still taking more steps searching for unknown. and hopping that I will find it. But the problem is,will I know that this is the thing that I was looking for.
well, I don't know from where to start, In fact I don't want to start talking about what happened. Because the things that's happened is big. it's too bigger than me to talk about.... It's bigger than you to understand... It's bigger than we can all imagine.
I am with no power starting my day as usual, Waking up early to study and then taking my breakfast.... Till now it's look like I have a normal life.
But hey... Did you forget that you are reading Hnk's blog ( Iraqi girl blog)?
Here and in this blog nothing is normal. Here people are wearing a thick clothes under thick clothes till they become like a ball. Here people are drinking a dirty water,and take a bath once every week because the water is somehow closer to black colour than white. and if you are going to take a bath, you might possibly became dirty more than you are already.
let's go back to my UN normal life. One day not far along, but about week ago:
I was taking my breakfast, I finished it. I wore my clothes and my shoes and took a look throw the Windows to see if the car that carried me to school is waiting for me.... Yes, yes there was a car, No not a car but an American Tank. The road was closed and everything was calm. Anyway, after a while everybody was a weak even my grandmother and they were taking there breakfast and I was walking between them worry about my exam that I have that day. I sat on the chair and after that I don't know exactly what happened but there was an explosion took part near from us. The type of explosion that YOU will always remember.
Pieces of windows fall on the floor, on the table and join us our breakfast. I don't remember what happened because it's look like it's take only a minute and we all ran out the room and stole looks to the room where we were sitting.
it was a big explosion. and plenty of our windows have broken but we are Lucky that our head are not. :)
I didn't took a pictures that moment because I didn't remember to do that. But I took some picture after I came back from school, and afte my mother clean up everything but this room that I took it a pictures.
I really have to go now..
Friday, November 24, 2006
With tears and emotions we have to say Good bye for the people we love,even we don't want to leave each others...We have to say good bye... Good bye with no reply but only good bye.
GOOD BYE TO YOU MY BEST FRIEND
"H", My christian friend and one of my best friends..
I don't know what to say except I think I was lucky to have such a beautiful friend like you...I truly love you from the deep of my heart and I didn't know that I loved you that much.I thought that my friend are the same, And I didn't think that I love one from them more than the other.
But Today I found out that I was wrong. "H" was special. I can't remember that she hurt me someday or said something bother me. She was quite and silent.
to better or worse this life will lead us I don't know, But I swear by the name of God I will never forget you my sister...
It's the life who judged to us to suffer and separated. Who was thinking that you will leave.. Leave me , leave Iraq and leave your past life and everything.
I don't know what to say. but I know that today I see my friend for the last time and only God know if I will see her another time or not. She and her family are leaving to Syria for the moment and then they are going to move to Canada. They received a threat and they have to leave Iraq. I know it's better for them to leave but ..... It's my friend.
Today we have a party in the garden of the school and it was full of tears. We ( me and my friend) were waiting "H" to come and when she showed up we ALL burst into tears. with nothing but tears and hugs we said hi and said bye to her. She gave each one from us ( her friend) one of her toys and it was nice from her to gave us something from her personal stuff, I am sure that I will always remember that this toy belong to her. As my teacher said, our country lose "H"... I hope it was that simple since we all began to lose, lose everything even our country.
All the people are leaving Iraq, My uncle and my aunts leave to Dubai.
My other aunt move from Baghdad to Mosul and by the end of this year I think we will have my grandparents in our house, Do you know I didn't see my grand parents for more than a year.
I don't know what to say except I think we are hardly live here and we are hardly keep going in this life, I wish some times that my eyes are a digital camera so you can see what I see, or that you have a magic ball that help you to see me and see everything around me, maybe that time you can feel my pain.....
I hope I can write a new post soon.
I have a bad temper all the days that I can't write so forgive me...
Thursday, November 09, 2006
.نعم قد أعلَنت أستقالتَها وأعلَنَت أنها لن تكون بَعد اليومِ هي نفسَها ولم تعودَ الى حُجرتِها الفارغة المظلمة التي أتعبتها المحاولة في صُنعِ قالبٍ تَضعُ فيهِ نفسَها.وقفت اليوم أمام المرحلةِ التي كانت بأنتظارها مُنذُ أن بدأتِ الكلام ومُنذُ أن أمتلكَتْ قُُدرةََ التَفكير وصياغةِ الجُمَل وتركيب الحُروف ووضعِ النقاط ِ . وقفتْ أمامَ المنعطف حيث هناكَ أشارةً تَدُلها على ما ستأؤولُ أليهِ حالُها في السنواتِ المقبلة لأنها وبِكُلِ بساطه لم يَعُد يَهُمُها أن تجِدَ ضالتَها وأن تُحددَ هويَتَها لأنَ من صَنَعوها خيلوا لها أخيلة ووضعوا لها أحلاماً في أواني فارغة ولم يفهموا أو يتفهموا افكارها وهكذا ضاعَتْ وأعلَنت أستقالتَها.
فوداعا ايتها الذات الهائِمه فلم اكن اعلم انك حالمه.....ولم اكن اعلم ابدا انَكِ انتِ مَن أنا وانني أِن وافقت كلامَهُم المَبني على أُُسُسٍ هائِمَة أَصبَحتِ انتِ ذاتَكِ هائِمة
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Uhh,I'll try to write a new post next week Inshalah
Friday, September 29, 2006
Ramadan kareem and Inshalah seam makbool.
First of all, I turned back to my school and began the fight with studying. well, I am scared from this year. I have to get hight marks to enter the suitable college for me. I need to do more efforts and more study and that is ***.
well, This picture shows our breakfast in the first day of ramadan.
I love Ramadan, I think the best days I lived are the days I lived in Ramadan. especially before the war. Ramadan was un believable for me. Ramadan made me feel happy more than anything I don't know why and I can't understand why.
when I don't eat anything for 14 hours I have to feel hungry and ungry too. But when I feel hungry,I smile and feel really happy.
Ramadan gave us joy certinly.
Anyway, I have to go now... see ya
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
There is no argument that I had fun in Syria and this journey helped me really to re-draw a smile in my face,But it also make me feel that the 17 years I lived all go in vain.
honestly, When I raech syria's area I told Najma " It's OK, It's only seventeen years!"
Yes, we can say this: it's only seventeen years. But hey!! it's take all my life :(
there were so many questions dancing and moving in circle and making a noisy in my mind.
what I was doing in this 17 years ? yeah yeaee, how could I forget this, I was studying history which I realised that it contains so many lies and Little truths. well, I don't say I didn't do anything but the things I did are not helpful.
Anyway, I woke up from my last life and maybe I am going to somewhere.
So, I came from Syria carrying hopes and dreams of futures.
but When we became finally in home. There was a car preparing itself to suicide and it did exploded near from our house. we didn't lose any of our Windows but some neighbors did.
well, After another bombs car and after the daily Small explosion and bullets, I still carrying some hopes that I will find the hope someday.
Another day started when I heard that one of our relatives had been killed so I triedto forget this as usual and I think I succeed in this because I didn't talk about that since the son rays falls. I really had a very bad nightmare last few days but today I didn't see anything when I was asleep. Nothing is better than nightmare certainly.
There is a hot news, Our telephone repaired this morning. It was not working since the nine of January ( so long) I even forget how to use the telephone :) but after while I called my grandma and when she answered me I changed my tone voice automatically to a child voice. I hardly prevent my tears. I really really missed my grandparent and I can't wait to see them again.
My school will start tomorrow and here we go to our last year in the high school.
collage, I can't wait to see you...
keep in touch
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
Althought I visited Syria once before but I was to eager and excited to go out from Iraq. well, I think if they took me to the desert I would be happy to be far from the boombs and bullets. Anyway,our trip was so hard and exhausted. we need about 14 hours to reach Aleppo. We spent 4 hours in the Immigration and passaport center. As you can see in the picture, there are hundereds of people waiting to hear their name and get their passaport and turn back to their cars to continue their trip.we reach Aleppo at about 11 o'clock in the night and it was the fisrt time I see the night since I was in Syria last year. Do you know why I love Syria??
I love Syria because I can see the night, I can see the black sky which BTW I didn't like it before.
I love Syria because in Syria you can see many people walking in the street with no fears and guess What?? They are smiling too.I love Syria Because in Syria the policemen are not show their arms and if they show them,they put them down.
I love Syria because in Syria the people know what freedom mean.
I love Syria because in Syria there are green trees and happy children and moreover a real life.
I love Syria because in Syria there are a simple family,live a simple life far from violents.
I said all what I want to say, I am not sure that I am happy to return back to my home. The only things I missed when I was in Syria are my sister and her children and our bathroom :)
Hey: I went to Syria for ten days, and at that time the governement rememberd and for the first time that there are some students worked so hard and studied in the dark and did their best not to forget that they are human being at last and that human being have to improve theirselves and their skills. They rememberd the students who sat all nights under the light of candels feeling so cold and can't focus while the shooting tookplace in their neighborhood.They finally rememberd the students who went to their school hardly and left their mothers in the house worried about them and pray that they will come back home safe. Hey!they rememberd the people who will build the future and yes these people are the babies that the governement were soppose to built their life now!!Is this a coincidence or what??These babies grow up and these babies learn to write and learn how to speak English. These babies become teenagers. These teenagers having a website in the internet now and they are writing about the governement biggest work.Can you share my happiness and sat up and clap your hands.Now if you happy and you know it please join me and clapp your hand..Although I missed this because I was in Syria but I am happy that the governement remember me.
Thank you all for listingPC: I mad an interview and you can read it in: http://www.agrnews.org/?section=archives&cat_id=38&article_id=1043&rowx=0
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I was too busy last few days as usual. This time I was busy with our visitors.
My aunt came from Baghdad and she is staying at our house with her daughter. My aunt is usually playing on the computer so I couldn't find timeto sit on the computer myself and write a new post.
Note: I didn't joke or made a mistake when I said that my aunt is usually playing on the computer, Because she is playing all the time.
Anyway, I was playing before a few minutes too, but I was playing with Aya and we were building. we will be a good engineers. Don't you think?
before two days there was a curfew for two days. The situation was somehow calm near from our house but there was a few boomcars in Mosul. we were stuck at our house, we couldn't go anywhere but we walk to my sister's house and brought her and her children to our house.
The street was empty, everything looks freez .
before few days me and my mother help each others and cook this kind of food wich is a local food in Iraq. we call it " Kuba" . It's so hard to cook it. Each piece must be in the same size of the others and this is the hardest thing.
Anyway, I have to go now
Friday, July 28, 2006
They built our future..
They gave us life..........
our hopes died when they died....
They are the victims of this war..
Before a couple of days, I was sitting with my family watching TV. At about 11:30, I went to bed. And noticed that I have UN read message in my mobile phone. It was from my friend Maas. I thought it was a normal message; it might be a joke or something like that. I read the message and it said: my family is in a horrible state, my uncle was killed this morning when he was in his way home from the mosque (in Baghdad). The feeling I felt that moment I can't describe, I rush down stare and told my parents and then I went to my bedroom and cry for a long times. I feel very sorry for Maas, she was too busy this month, she went to Baghdad and do an extra examination.
When the victim is your family:
The danger surrounding us all the time but this time was not the same.
hearing a sound of bomb is something we use to, so we don't disturb ourselves and stop doing whatever we are just because a sound of bomb. This time and after a while my father's phone rang. My uncle was on the phone and he told my father that two mortars fell on the roof of his house. He was sleeping on his bed when the explosion took place, at that time a little peaces of the roof fell on his bed and on the floor. His wife said that she didn't aware that the mortar fell on their own house at that moment. She went to the room where she found my uncle sitting on his bed and holding few peaces of stone.
And when the victim is your family:
A new day has come when a bombing car exploded in front of my relatives' house. All the windows and all the doors broken. The explosion was too close from their house and it was too big. Three of my relatives injured and moved to the hospital. They are ok now. But many people lost their life because of that bombing car.
At the beginning of the war, when we heared an explosion, we hold the phone and called all the family and make sure that they are all fine. But now and because the explosion don't stop all the day, we stop calling each others. But when the explosion hurt someone from the family, in this the victims.
When the victim is you:
Our souls live in our hearts..
Our hearts are inside our bodies..
Our bodies living in our homes....
Our homes are our country.........
Our country had been destroyed..
we are the victims of this war...........
I consider all the people living in Iraq victims. And I am a victim because I am living in Iraq. I am a victim because no day passes without hurting me in someway or another. I am a victim because every day makes me weaker. I am a victim because I will be the victim sooner or later.
The people who killed and died, they left Iraq and their suffering.
But we! We are still suffering and we are waiting our turn to die and left Iraq.
When the victim is your niece:
Iraqi children are the victims of the war. Aya is a victim of the war. What will you call a baby of one and a half year's old living under this state??
Could you find a baby at that age know what is generator mean? When the electricity turn off, she began to cry and shouted for generator (generator please turn on... generator please turn on) isn't she a real victim of this war???
No wonder that one of her first words was (the weather is hot).
How funnyis for me to see her suffering. When the electricity turned off and the generator turned off. Aya stand in front of the fan and said the weather is hot, doing all the expression on her face to express her needs. Her needs was not eassy to get but so easy to lose.
Note:this post was written before a week.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
I wish the reason of not writing a new post that I was busy with my lessons, or I was busy with Aya and Ayman. But it's not. Right now I concider myself half human.
All days are the same, it just like the other days.. repeating itself, Woke up early, took my breakfast and study and study and study till my course's time came,after that I'll go to have it and then get back and study AGAIN.
the Same program is running in my life and I accept it if that doesn't mean the killing, bombing and stealing will go on too.
I spent a very bad and hard days since I wrote my last post.The situations is deteriorating rapidly, I don't know from where I should start, many things happened I can't number them. but here are some examples:
My dad went to his work with my sister, Aya was with them in the car, and my dad was driving when they heard the sound of few bullets towards the soldiers' tank.
the tanks was infront of my father's car in the other direction of the road. My father's car was not the only car there. Anyway after the shooting stop. The soldiers got crazy as they always did. They ordered the people who sit inside the cars to get out and put their hand on their head as the soldiers' order. The soldiers throw out everything from my father's pocket. My father asked the soldiers to send Aya and her mother to the car because it was too hot. They didn't even try to listen to him,they shouted loudly and didn't accept to hear a word. In the moment the Iraqi police told my sister that she can go to the car and she have to keep the doors open.
My sister sat on the car with my little niece Aya who was shouting for getting my father back, crying probobly because she was thirsty. My sister fear to move her hand and open her bag and get the water from it, you don't guess the soldiers reaction about that. She stayed in her place thinking of my father, what is he thinking on that moment, what is he feeling, is he thirsty, she was worried about his state because my father had a hard attack and it's not good for normal people to be in that situation so what about a 60-year-old man. She was cursing them silently. What a humiliation to a respectful man .
The situation continued for an hour and a half but for some people like my sister it seems like a year. When he returned back to the home, Dad said nothing at all, my sister said "you didn't know what happened to us today!" my father said "nothing". She told the story and my father didn't comment, trying not to make us worried, picking the glass and drinking the water as he always do.
It just needs a strong man like my father to forget it, I am not a man and I am not strong. When the danger is around me, my family or around my friend I can't sit watching. It's not war against Sadam or against the terror only; it's a war against us, it's a psychological war.
To live or not to live this is the question.
Bye bye peace of mind, see you in heaven: maybe
Note: I will write the update soon, I just write one from many.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
The neckless and the card are from my sister "S"
And this is from my lovely friend "H"
This gift is the best. It's from the best mam in the whole world to the best daughter on this planet :) .
And this gifts are from my dad, he bought them from france..
Sunday, June 11, 2006
My birthday was before 7 days and I didn't find time to write about that since then. So...
My birthday was not a good day. Well, maybe it was the worse birthday I have ever got. There wasn't a birthday party or a birthday cake or any sweets that I didn't even brush my teeth before I went to bed.
Am I feeling happy with the ( seventeen years old) following my age?
NOT AT ALL.
It's a miserable feeling. I always want the time to go on faster and I always want the year to run fast as much it possible. But when I saw that the year is really passed and there is nothing changes in the reality situation, I felt so much angry and so much guilty.
I feel guilty when I smile because the smile became something UN usual in our interim life and because I know that in this moment the life of many families are destroyed. Many kids are losing their parents and many wives became windows.
I feel guilty because I must feel guilty because I must not shut my mouth and watch the horrible movie became alive. I feel guilty because I have already accepted to live and act in this movie. I feel guilty because on my past life I thought that this problem will solve on play part in this movie.
I feel guilty because I am guilty...
before few days Najma asked me why I was look sad, she said " if you will cry, don't answer"
Well, I didn't.
She asked " Do you want to go out of
My really option and my only choice is I want to stay in
I will take pictures and post it tomorrow...
Sunday, May 28, 2006
In order to survive, humans being have to cooperate. And in order to cooperate, they have to communicate their Ideas, feeling and needs.......
The paragraph above is one of the subjects that included in English book for the fifth grade.
So, In order to survive myself I will communicate:
1- my Ideas
Fifteenth days without electricity!! Are they kidding??
2- My feelingI am feeling pessimistic right now, I went to take my physics course and when I was getting back home, I saw about three tank from the large size and in the same times there were about two helicopters flying above my head. I just feel that I am in a camp.
It's not a good feeling when you see that. When a tanks or any kind of US soldiers' cars are in the street, you can't see one car moving beside them, All are driving behind them about 12 M.
3- My thought
As I said before I lost so much weight this month. Today I was wearing my gold ring and suddenly I felt that there is something missing, I looked at my finger and I didn't see it.
I rushed looking for it and I tried to remember every one moment from my movement.
Well, it's work. I found it :)
Do you know what? I am sixteen going to seventeen ... I will be seventeen going to eighteen next week. In the third of June I will be seventeen years old. I will be wiser, taller, thinner and perhaps uglier than the year before.
Now, It's my time for watching TV.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Maybe we can't drive, walk and doing the simple normal things but we can eat.
Food always make you feel bettter, especially if it's taste good.
here are some food pictures.
My favorite sweet for my friend libby
Aya in NAjma's birthday.
barpique *Did I write it right?*
This picture is Najma Favorite dinner. she used to eat this at least 3 times a week.
This is Klaiga before baking . Iraqi people used to cook this sweet before the Eid
Klaiga ready to be eaten.
The Donuts I cook is one from the best Donuts ever.
Cheese cake I cook is the worse cheese cake ever.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Hum, Aya came today, she is too active and she prevents us from touch or sit beside Ayman. She said " mal Mamia", she mint that he is her mother's baby.
Till now she thinks that my father is praying, I don't think praying need all this time. anyway
She holds the phone and said "Gagawa, Ta3ali" she mean (Grandpa please come!).
I am too eager to see my father but I am more eager to see the meeting between my father and Aya. I am sure that they are both missing each others very much.
Yesterday I had a terrible night. I closed my eyes and when I was too close from being in my first nightmare, the electricity turn off. Now, I live the nightmare. It was too hut beside that there are many mosquito this summer. What's the problem??
I open the window and look to the sky and between the wires I could see the stars.
Oh... This star is lighting for a moment and stop after while!!
Oh... It's moving!!... Oh it's helicopter, Sorry.
Just imagine my night with the sound of generators and helicopters.
Very beautiful night.
Now, I will go and spend my times with Aya.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I woke up today and told my mother that's I am not feel ok. I didn't eat my breakfast or my lunch because I feel pain in my abdomen, and I couldn't look at the food. It's hard to explain that. BUT
Last Tow months I lost 8 pounds from my wight. I look awful now, just like ghost.And my Mam don't like how I look at all. She often use this word " when you was bretty.....bla bla bla" well, she mean I am ugly right now, there is no other way to explain her words :)
Anyway, I am trying to get my weight back, So I really really ate so much yesterday and I ate everything I see.
So now after you know why I am somehow sick today, You know why I am late.
So see you later
PC: hey libby,
Look what the food done!! I am sick :(
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I am trying to write a new post every day in this week. I discovered that the average percent of the daily visits to my bog get lower than before. Well, I don't balm the people who read my bog. Because I don't write regularly last 3 months.
But yesterday I promise myself to not value myself low or my blog. And I'll try to retune the life to my blog and make it breath again.
Now, I have a good opportunity to do something make me feel especial.
Najma's examination will start after 2 weeks. She'll not have enough time to write a post nor visit my blog. So I hope that when she'll finish her examination. My blog will be famous that even Oprah winfry will talk about. :)
Will, I want to do something or to reach some point that Najma didn't reach. I think this is my dream; I want to be her someone. This is disaster and I know it's not good, but I have to do it before I'll lose my confidence in confidence itself. well let's say that she is someone that I look to be like.
She writes in NY Times and washingtonpostt and many others. Well I admit I feel jalousie because I didn't write in a newspaper before.
Well, tell me what I should write. I do nothing every day except studying and sleeping and watching TV. Well, I don't like what I do and I don't like talking about what I do. I don't like what is going on in this planet, I don't like living in this planet where no word of truth was heard.
let's try to do something useful
But not today....
Tomorrow tomorrow ..I'll write a new post tomorrow.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Hmm, let's see what I was going to write?
Now, part of my heart feeling very grateful for my Mom and Dad, my mother took us to buy some clothes and other things today. As I mention before, my father is in
The other part of my heart feeling that he is missing some bodies.
I miss my dad; I want him right now sitting beside me. I miss Ayman too much; I didn't see him from last Saturday. I don't know why I am missing him, He didn't say a word or do an action which make me fall in love , he didn't open his eyes and look at me, he didn't beat me or push me or do the stuff that Aya did with me. But I miss him; I began to forget his looking. :(
Yesterday, my mother and I went to the tiny market in our neighborhood and it was close, so we changed our way and went to the super tiny market and bought the things that we needed. After that when we were going to the house we saw that the tiny market was opened so we entered and my mother told the shoppers who is one of our neighbors that she finishes her shopping and she came to look for some others things. The shoppers asked my mother about my father and my mother told him that he is fine and he said of course he is fine because he is far from the explosions and the bullets bla bla bla....while he was saying his word we heard a loud sound of bullets and I don't know what was happened out side, The shoppers told us to go to the safer place in the market. But that was not working, It was clear that the bullets were in our street. So, He holds the phone and called his mother and asked her to open the door.
Where is the door?? haaa??
Do you know the story of Allis in the wonder land? When she became small in size she opened a door and go to what ever it was. Anyway, the door he asked her mother to open was in that size. I don't know how I could put myself in that door which was leading to their garden. Well, we sat at his house for a while and then went back to our house.
Anyway, I don't care which size the door is. but it is a very good door :) As they said:
Don't judge the book from it's cover. I don't know who said that but I know that I said:Don't judge the door from it's size
hehe,How much silly I am ??
If you are with the people who said that I am silly, so come to Iraq and live for months and we will see!. Will the silly life here make you silly or not??
Friday, May 12, 2006
Oh, I am too busy with my sister and her children ( Aya and Ayman) I thought that when I 'll finish my school, I 'll have time to write a long post but it's cleer that I was wrong.
Dad still in France, it seems that he spend a good times there. But I miss him so much and I can't wait to see him again.
so, I just write to tell you that I am ok. thank you very much.
now, I had to go :)
Saturday, May 06, 2006
She cried when she saw them took me for a bath. The first day was full of tears for her, whenever I stop crying she began to cry.
She called me Aony ( I like this name) and when she said Aony all the Family forget who is Aony and the only little cute baby they remember is Aya.
I don't blame them, she is more beautiful than I am. She walk and talk and do an action which make the whole family laugh.
Today I saw her eating cucumber after dipping it in the Cola, I wonder if that taste good.
Anyway, I love my family but I didn't see my grandpa till now.. I heared them talking to him in the phone and they said he is in france.... They said in france there are streets and lights and some others things. Anyway, I hope when my grand father will come back from france, he'll love me as much as he love Aya.
I sleep almost all the day. They think I am in a state of denying because they left me and went to play with Aya.
ok , bye now. I have to sleep before the night fall. Because now my jope is not make my mother sleep. That's fun, Try it!
talk to you later
Thursday, May 04, 2006
my father went to
When he first leave the house she began to cry and so we told her that he went to the mosque for praying and she saved this information in her mind. And whenever we mention his name she said ( Lalli) and she mend he is praying. I don't know why his pray take this long?? :)
Anyway, It's right that we are only 5 women in the house( My mother, My big sister, Aya, Najma and me) . But today a lovely man joined us. So we will not be scared or something, we have a man in the house.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you our man:
His name is: Ayman
His age: 21 hours
His look: very little white baby with some blond hair and small miserable eyes. He is cute, calm and skinny.
Till last day I didn't believe that there is a baby will come to this life and joined our small family. I don't blame Aya for not expected that after all our tries to make her ready for that and not to feel jalousie.
For me the first time I saw my nephew I said that it's too tiny. He is really too tiny, his face is much smaller than my palm. But for Aya he is a big boy who might steal her mother's heart. When Aya saw him, she said ( Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby....... ) she said those more than 30 times.
When Aye's father told her that Ayman is crying because he is hungry, she rushed to her room where she left her feeding bottle and took it and ran quickly to him and tried to feed him. We gave Aya new toys and told her that the baby gave it to her and that's somehow help.
The first hours after their meeting were UN believable. Whenever Ayman stop crying, Aya began to cry and so on. You can say we had a crying party in the house. But now, Aya feel much better than before. I hope she will love him.
Ok, I didn't sleep well last night so bye
Monday, May 01, 2006
Good morning... Good evening ... Good night. It's not important which time I use as much as it's important to be good.
I took my first course in chemistry. The teacher was too nice with us. He didn't stop joking and doing a funny actions.
I laugh and laugh and laugh more than I laughed this whole this year, my tears began to fall and I didn't know what to do.
In physics, my teacher is a woman who looks a good teacher too. I took 2 courses and the subjects look not an easy but nothing is hard if we study it hard.
I am hesitating about take lessons in Arabic language or not. Each girl took a lesson in 4 subjects at less. I think 2 lessons is enough for me, I am hardly find time to take a rest. I don't want to use all my power in the holiday and when the school begins I will be completely tired. In the other hand, if I lived all my life doing well in my school and got good marks, why should I worry about this year? I know it's not like all the years before but.......you know :)
I still don't know what I want to be in the future, In the past I wished I'll be a pharmacist just like my aunt. But now I changed my mind into (I don't know), I like house decoration but there are no college care of studying the decoration.
I don't know I want to be someone famous; I want to enter a good and excellent college somewhere far from
I don't know why my mother always said that Najma is an ambitions personne who have the confidence and dreams bigger than herself.
And me! I am nothing at all.
She didn't say that I am nothing at all, but she remarked into that when she is talking. She said Najma is a very good speaker in English and she is very good in computer and bla bla bla. And when she finished her words, she turned her head and said you are too :( .
Did she really think that I don't feel that? I am not blind, I am the only daughter she have who don't put an eye glasses.
That exactly what I want to prove. I want to prove that I am not the girl she is thinking. I am also having dreams, I am also having plans but I have something that Najma don't have, I have the fear from everything.
I have fears from building hopes above no ground.
I have fears from listing to myself and get myself into trouble.
I hate myself sometimes just like I do now.
BTW, I hate sitting with the people I hate because it's too clear that I hate them.
And now I am sitting with me and I hate myself just now. Not a good condition to talk about...
Better to leave myself now,
Saturday, April 29, 2006
today I am going to write my essay which I wrote a week ago. My English teacher asked us to write an essay about what ever we want. And Express our thoughts and dreams in this essay.
Anyway, The title of my subject is:
The conversation between reality and imagination
Alaa Al-din took me in his magic carpet to the sky.
I told him that I was dreaming of living in that height.
He thought deeply and said you was the leader in your life,
I told him that the doors were all locked in my eyes.
He stood silent and then said you didn't try to open the doors you had never tried.
I told him that I tried then I lied and lied and lied.
The expression of sadness was drawn in his eyes. He said you didn't have enough confidence in your life and he was right, I admit he was right.
I told him that I was scared to be like a mouse in the night.
He told me that I can't get what I want without a fight.
I told him that the enemy was large in size and I didn't have the courage to face him and so I cried.
He told me that I was acting like the prince in the guess game and I belonged to the blue side.
I told him that there is no prince in chess and there are only tow sides: the black and white.
HE said you chose to be like a queen when you didn't play part in your life. You chose to play for no side and you were really blind.
I told him that I lied to him at the beginning and that I knocked the door but when it was opened I hide.
His eyes began to glow; he said you didn't take any step in your life. Your soul was not a home.
You chose to live the other's life...
He touched my hand and said:
My dear you have to fight.
The teacher arranged a seminar between the students in my grade.
Each girl represented the essay she wrote in front of the teachers and the others girls. And there were many good essays and my essay was one of them.
At the end of the seminar the teacher awarded the two girls who wrote the best two essays.
And I was one of the winners. the teachergave an album as a gift. I was too surprised because I didn't expect this. But I was too happy too.
I will stop writting now, and leave the others news for another days.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Hello every body,
I miss you too,
about my school and my marks, I did very good in both of them. I took 66/60 and 69/70 in French, I don't know how did I do that. But I deserve that. I also took 100, 100, 100, and 92 in biology. I really did my best and thanks God I took the best marks.
We (the students who got more than 90% in all subjects) will not go to school till the next year.
Today, we had a little party in the school, but not a good one. Some girls had examinations and the others were busy with their marks.
Anyway, I had a good time with my friend and I took some pictures with them.
Every one from us cooked something or brings something to eat. Gathering around the table and eat together was nice. Do you know that feeling when feel that you love all the human being? Well, that moments I felt that I love my friend so much.
It's right that I finish my school and my examinations but I still have to study for the 6th grade. Here people began to study for the 6th grade a year before the school begins. Because this year is very important for us. And this year will decide our future.
So, Today I went for my first course in chemist for the 6th grade. The teacher who teach us chemist is a man. In school all our teachers are women. So we are not use to this.
Now, we have to be polite and a good student. It's hard for me, you know!
In school we are all girls, we jump and cry and do what ever we want (we are free).
Now, I want to go and reading a stoey. Guess what is it's name?
It's harry poter story. I can't wait to read it. so bye
Now, I want to go and reading a stoey. Guess what is it's name?
I will talk to you later
I will talk to you later
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Just only a week and I will be free again.
I will finish my examinations next week. and there are many things I want to talk about, there are many things happened which deserve to talk about. But not now. so see you sooon
So Good bye
and pray for me
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Who is Mohamed (PBUH)?
The world has never known somebody nobler than the messenger of mercy, Prophet Mohamed (PBUH). His message was an interval break between eras of ignorance and darkness and those of light, civilization and progress. He was sent, a messenger from God sobhanaho wa taala, with certainty. He came carrying welfare and peace represented in his message to all mankind never discriminating between them according to their ethnic origin, color or sex. He concluded that their father and origin are one, and that they are all equal in front of God. Nothing would favor any of them to the other except their faith in God and their good deeds.
This was God’s message to Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) who came in a time when people had gone astray fighting each other over power and money. Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) fought for the sake of the weak and the opressed people whose religious freedom had been confiscated turning them into followers to their tyrant monarchs.
Mohamed (PBUH), his companions, and even moslems who came afterwards fought only for one cause which is not to allow a monarch to prevent people from listening to the voice of certainty. Monarchs who gave moslems freedom to spread their religion, and principles found all respect and peace from moslems. What happened in Indonesia is a live example. The indonesian People were convinced with Islam as a blessing from God then they were motivated from deep within when they listened to the call of certainty without their monarchs terrorising them or ripping off their right to choose their religion.
The Indonesian Islands monarchs did not have to engage into fights since they were understanding and responsible enough to appreciate their people’s right of choosing their own religion.
These wars were inevitable for defending humanity and man’s right to choose his/her religion and faith in a time when nobody in the world acknowledged such right.
Moslem soldiers were not to hurt any of those people simply because they knew exactly the mission they came for which was to defend those people’s rights. Thus, they were much careful to their future whether in their life or life after death. That is why the world had never known anyone nobler than moslem conquerors who were not to kill a child, a woman or an old man/woman.
They were not even to kill those who surrendered to them and gave up fighting and never tortured or killed war captatives. Moslem soldiers never forced anybody to emrabce Islam complying to God’s explicit orders in their Holy Book Quran. Their sole objective was to liberate mankind from all pressures and let go their will to choose freely after listening to the call of certainty.
That was Mohamed’s (PBUH) message and so it still is that there’s no God but Allah and that Mohamed (PBUH) is his messenger and woreshipper and that God had not created man for nothing or carelessly in this life, he rather created him to develop and construct land with welfare and to worship God, and that God will punish those who do evil or wrong on the resurrection day and that every man is free to choose his religion, faith and that God will finally resurrect him.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
First and foremost. The same reasons prevented me from posting last two week.
I was full of exams.
Any way, I am ok now because Aya is here and she will paint the smile in our faces as she always did. She will entertain us with her actions all the day.
I came up with one thing and I don't believe I'm wrong, that no body from my family can stand more without Aya.
I love her so much. I think I love her more than I have to. I sertinly love her more than I was think I'll do, I didn't think that I will love somebody as I do right now.
I am doing well in my school till now, but the next two week will be not an easy.
We will not go to school tomorrow.
Did the day 9-4 remind you of anything??
It reminds me the worse day in Iraq. The worse day that every single Iraqi live.
In the beginning, there were some people who love Us Army and believed that they came to help us but now and after three years passed. No body reach this point and didn't lose someone from his family and some people he love.
Last week, we went to the north of Iraq (to duhuk). We spent a good time there and took many pictures. We took Aya to "Dream city" she refuses to play any game. We tried and tried and she didn't accept to play. We know that she didn't visit a dream city before but we thought that she will spend a good times but it seems that we were wrong.
Friday, March 24, 2006
first of all, I want to thank every one write a commment or a letter. I read them all but I couldn't find time to answer them.
This week was like others weeks before, full of explosions and examinations.
I did well in my exams this week and my marks is good but I didn't do my French examinations yet, I need your pray, a big big pray.
Believe or not, we went out side home. My father took us to (Al-Sada) I can swear that I didn't been in that place from a long long months.
I was thinking about what should I write in this post. I feel bored from talking about the situations and the danger we pass through, so I want to show you this small essay I wrote before 2 or 3 years. My English teacher asked us before 3 years to write an essay and she returned our essays back this week. All of us were please to read them and laughing at ourselves ( you can't imagin how much our english was bad).
Laugh as much as you like. Now, leave you with my essay:
in the holiday
I was going to the north of irag. I saw the magic nateure when I was it I beleive the comunecatio between the god and people. I felt very excited when I see it. after that I was going to my family house. I felt missed my other family there fore, I was leaving to baghdad. I saw what the enemy destroyed and I saw family after that. I went back to my home and working some things.
the holiday is ended and the school is begining. I am very sad about that.
You have to feel that you are luky because I didn't begin bloging from that time.
My english teacher asked us again to write an essay about any supjects we like. But no body write till now. My friend told the teachers that she couldn't find a supjects to write about it. so the teacher told her to write an essay about how much she suffered to find a subject to write about.
I was searching in the net and I stumbeled at this site.
I want to write more but I don't know about what should I have to talk about. What do you want me to talk about.
I feel empty and I don't want to talk about the situations nor about the war ( three years of war) because I know I will brust into tears when I will do that.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I am ok, still want to get out from this nightmare.
I don't know what to talk about. I am tired from talking and talking and then ( nothing) . Nothing change in my life. soooooo
I wan to please you with this pictures from my grandparents's garden.
Enjoy your self
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Uncle " s" didn't die because he was 78 years old, not even because he lived at least 50 years with one kidney. & Not because he was tired of fighting for raising his children after his wife death. Uncle "s" died because An American soldier shot him and he was die in the same date of his brother’s death, the eighth of March.
I didn't cry that day. I was surprised and I couldn't study neither could to sleep as a human. I couldn't do anything; I just sat thinking of what next.....
The next was in the next day....
In the morning we went to school not at the time we use to, because Aya was in a bad temper that morning and she wasn't like to go to nursery.
We reach the school at about 7:45. The windows were broken, the girls were crying and the teachers were in panic. Some girls running, other's talking and the rest are crying. Everything looks strange. My friend Maas was the first one I talked to. She told me that a mortar fell in our school garden.
After then, The police came; some of them went to the roof and the rest in the garden and the school yard. You don’t know how much the girls felt in peace when they saw the police!
They girls who didn't cried before, cried this time. And when we finally helped one girl to feel better and stop crying, the other girl began to cry and so on.
As you know it's not legal to hold a mobile in the school. The teachers are the only one who can hold it. At that time we were all need it especially when the police said that there is a another boom which didn't explode yet. With the help of Allah, we found a girl who brought her mobile with her that day. I used it and called my father, told him the story and asked him to came and take us to the home. I cried when I talked to him because I couldn't stand more against my pain.
My father reached the school and took me and my sister and sunshine to our home.
Add yesterday to these two days. It was also a very bad day. Began with news that my friend’s father died on cancer. And ended with a bombing car in our neighbor.
The explosion was very big that I felt that I died and then returned to life.
And because I am a life. I wite this post.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Let me see the headlines
I am hurting because I am blind
I am sad and I don't know why. Not because I don't find the reason to feel like I do, but because I don't know which reasons covered my life with all this pain.
Every second make me weaker. With all pressures in the school, with all bombs around me I don't know what to do? What to say? . I don't like sitting in my place, watching the people killing each other, cheating each others and fighting each others.
I can swear that this war changes my life 80 -degree. I am 16 years old. I should live the happiest part of my life; I must be a crazy girl doing foolish and stupid things while I am not. I am talking like some one in 35. I feel I am nothing, I do nothing in my life and I going to do nothing.
My friend's brother is too ill. Before 9 days he wake up and he couldn't see anything. He is now blind and he can't speak, he has a headache all the time. He beccme worse and worse each day. The doctors don't know what happened to him. They give him drugs but his body didn't respond with all their attempts. In Iraq there is no hope to survive. They are trying now to go out of the country and maybe they will find an answer about his state in some country.
Have you ever wanted to disappear?
Have you ever wanted to scream?
Have you ever feel that you are being led by something outside your self?....Well, I am
The electricity is better now. It turns on for about 12 hours now. But the generator crashed. so it stil bad to live 12 hours each day without electricity . I lived 20 hours and some times 24 hours without it but I am sick of it. If that's all what can America give to Iraqi people? 12 hours with electricity. So why they come to Iraq?
In the morning I study in the roof of our house. Sun’s light is a good friend to me these day. Najma and me were studying in the roof yesterday and there were many helicopters flew in the air and around our house. Najma's hope that they will shoot us and so we will not have to study because we will be in the heaven playing. That what she said yesterday. But in Iraq no dream come true thanks God. Look! Can you hear the sound of helicopter? It seems that it hear us talking about it.
XXXXXXXXXX X X XX
XXXX hnk XXXX XXXX
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I am sorry.
I know I am late this time but it's not my fault, I couldn't find time to write a post.
I know that you are waiting to hear from me any news about my marks.
Ok, I get good marks in math, physics, chemist, English, Islamic and Arabic but in biology I get the lowest mark I have ever had in all my life. I Get 81.
In the other hand I get 91 in French, It's a good mark but I need to get 95 in my next exam for not take the final- examination.
During I was answered the questions in Math examination I began to cry because I was feeling afraid and I answered the question wrong and I knew my answer was wrong and I thought that I didn't have enough time to answer it right especially that I write a different numbers. Anyway, There was a teacher who knows how my state usually become in the examinations, she come to me and said: relax hnk relax please, I will bring some water for you, don't cry don't worried, It's ok if you get 99 instead of 100 bla bla bla. her speech make me cried., she always make me cry during the exam. But the good news is that I get 99 in math. :) I didn’t expected that. I didn’t know what my answer was at last..
The situations is still going to be worse. There were sounds of shelling last night, It makes me feel angry, I just wanted to sleep. Some times I wish that I have something for cover my ears whenever I want not to hear the sounds around me. :(
The only think that make me feel happy is Aya. she love me more than Najma I guess. I don't know why all the children usually love me more than Najma. .I make a mistake yesterday when I draw some pictures of cartoon for Aya, she loved my drawing and want me to draw more and I was have to go and sleep. She began to cry, yelling and she was walking behind me and holding a pen and a paper and shouted baby. After a long war between two of us, we went to sleep.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Did I mention that I will go to Baghdad and the road is UN safe?
Well, I think I did.
HEY! Guess what?
I 'm back.
I checked my E-mail and I got Zero new mail. That’s made me feel I'm a very important person. I can change the world in a word.
We were lucky that the road was good. But of course I am tired now.
Huh. I missed my bed, my computer, Aya, and the Internet. I was completely out of the world.
Tomorrow is a big day for me. I have to go to school and get my mid_examination's marks.
I am terrified; I am not ready not at all.
The driver who took us to Mosul didn't stop talking about Gas and gasoline problems and about the price of meet. What happened to this guy? I couldn't sleep and I had a headache beside that I don't know what happened to my neck, I can't move it easy, It's hurt me a little.
OK, I will press Publish post now with out checking what I wrote with somebody. Because this body is angry now. I know I have a lot of mistakes but come on who read anyway?
your only hope in this world
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Days of my life
The holiday doesn't seem too bad; I went outside the house once so far.
I am sleeping enough, I have enough time to watch TV, I can play with Aya as much I want to.
Yesterday, My friend Maas visited me. It was a pleasure to see her away from school. we talked, ate and watched some Photo Albums. I spent a good time with her.
She was hoping to see Aya, but Aya didn't visit us yesterday.
Aya came today, she is still cute and nice but not all the time, sometimes when she wants to do something she do it without caring if it was right or not. Mam often prevents her from doing whatever she wants and that makes her angry and she begins to cry. And here we have to ignore her as what Super nanny said. That's hard, really really hard. When she cries, my heart begins to cry with her. I can't see her tears, she is too small to carry out all the orders.
Aya found an orange the other day, she was so excited and was trying to peel the orange with her bare hands. Of cource, she couldn't, and so, she started to weep. In a try to stop the weeping, I turned on some music that she likes.. As a result, Aya was both, crying and clapping at the same time.. That was so STRANGE.
My Dad often turns the TV on cartoons for Aya, But it looks like he is used to watch cartoons. The other day, I found myself and my Dad watching Tom & Jerry, while Ays was busy doing something else.
Worries, feeling and needs:
We are going to Baghdad next Friday; I am a little worried about what is waiting for us in the road. I heard from some people that the road from Mosul to Baghdad takes about 10 hours, but I also heard that some people needed 6 hours to reach Baghdad.
So, It's about luck, If there are many American convoys, we will need more time.
I am a little sad right now, I went with my father to take my sister back to her house, we went to the hospital and waited till she finished her work, It was about 6:15. Since many months, I haven't been outside the house at such a late time. The night, the moon, the streets and the people look different. I had a strange feeling. For just a moment, my memories came back, and filled me with happiness especially that the radio was turned on at an Iraqi channel and there was an Iraqi song that I didn't like before today.
Before we reached the house, our neighbour called my father on his cellphone and told him that he noticed that my father's car is not in the garage and he was worried about what kept him late till this hour, 6:30 .
Are you laughing? Because sometimes when I think seriously about it, I begin to laugh with my tears falling on my cheeks.
The problem is not about the time; it's about the water, the electricity and the danger around us. It's about our future and our history.
Many many years after 2006:
Aya will come from her school crying
- - why are you crying my dear Aya?
- - I didn't do well on my history examination today
- - why?
- - the question was about the name of the leader who lead Iraq for 20 years till the occupation. It's a hard question; I don't know his name. wahhhhh wahhhhh wahhh.
- - *confused*
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Finally I finished my Mid-year Examinations. Yesterday I took my last exam, which was biology. I didn't get well on it as I wished but Alhamdulilah.
For about 12 days, I didn't get enough sleep nor enough rest. I was weak mentality and psychology.
From the first days of my examinations the generator was out of use. So imagine!
How could I study without light? My dad went and bought us types of rechargeable light. Without them I don't know what was gonna happen to me. Especially that the electricity is still turn on for 4 hours per day.
The next problem we faced is the road jam, most f the days the bridges were closed; the situation was bad as usual.
Some day when we were in the class doing our exam, Sound of explosion was heard. After while we heard sound of shooting near from our building. The teachers didn't know what to do. They asked us to get down our head and stayed in our place.
As I said before day after day the situation is getting worse. And I am still in the middle of this circle
I have many things I want to talk a bout, I will write a new post too soon because I am in the holiday now.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I have cold from yesterday. When I went to school yesterday, every body saw me ask: are you sleep?
I am walking and moving, how could I move if I was a sleep.
Anyway, first course the teacher didn't come but we got our marks ticket. My marks is good except in French as I told you I have a big big problem with it.
I thought that we are a stupid girls therefore each one of us pronounce the word in a different way. But it seems that the problem is not on us. After trying 5 teachers I saw that each one of them pronounce the word in a different way. Every one have her own French. Good ha??
Today Aya and her mother visit us at lunch. Aya was too cute as usual, she seems that she love me more than Najma and that's a good point. She sat on her own chair, took a sight of the food.
She didn't accept mam fed her, she want dad fed her and no body else And that was good because Dad usually finish her food before all of us but now with all what Aya make him do he finish with us. As I said dad was feeding Aya and in the same time Aya was feeding Mam and she was too excited. I don't know what was going with us if Aya was not born.
Tomorrow I have an English exams, it's a strange exam, the teacher will read an paragraph twice and then ask us a few questions about it. We called this exam listening competition.
It's an easy exam but it's need you to fox an that's hard.
Good bye now
see you soon
Sunday, January 01, 2006
I hope this year will be a happy year for all people all over the world. I hope in the next year we will have a real freedom that we were and still dream of.
like all years before, 2005 came and went without making any change to the better. I feel eager for making a change in this world and for making a change for my country at first but here in Iraq dreams is just a dreams and never come true. Some times I feel full of power and sometimes I feel weak, with all explosions and all the violence around me, no body can ask why you feel such a bad feeling. Take Aya as example, when this little girl, who is 1 years old feel fear from the loud sound of explosions she ran towards the nearest person from her, she uplifted her hands and start beating.
I don't think so this baby know what is violence mean, but surely she realizes that this is not from angel's charity.
we are in the middle of winter. The weather in Mosul is cold we wear all the clothes we can wear and stay able to move, the water is too cold therefore when we want to wash our face we have to put some water on the heater(HEAT IT) and then use it. One of us carry the vessel which have hot water on it and pour it to other's hands.I took some picture for you. this are some of our heater that is widely used in Iraq. Aya was too confused that I was took this heater a pistures and not took a picture for her, she surely thought that I am crazy :)
Aya visited us today, and with all the red clothes that her mother dressed, she looked like Santa Claus.
Because we don't have electricity most of the times during the day, we can't depend on electric heaters. In our best state, we have an electricity 4 hours every 24 hours. But some times the electricity turn on for only half an hour.
last week when the electricity turn off. My sister Najma hurt herself when she hit her fore head with some furniture which was an electric heater. I am sure that she didn't use this heater yet this year. Anyway she shout for torch light and said that she is bleeding from her head. At that time me and my parents were sitting in the living room and there weren't any torch or any type of light near us, at that moment,all what we could do is to tell her to be patient till we find one.
well, thanks Allah that she didn't hurt too much.
Do you know that life with light is too much easier than life without it, you can't feel happy for having something till you live without it. In Fact I didn't live a day in Iraq all my life with continuous electricity .
The problem is with our homework, we have to finish it while we have a light. The Generator of our neighborhood have a program, it's turn on at 5 pm and turn off at 12 am. When the fuel is Available
I get good marks in my last examinations but I still have a big problem with my French. I have the least marks between my friends in that subjects. I really need a help so If you have any thing that you think it could help me please send it what ever it was, site or song I don't care.
I want to help myself
Oh my God. Did I wrote all that ???
be serious! Did you read all that??
thank you for reading
And happy new year