Sunday, December 02, 2007

Me and my new life

I am, In my way to the future and I am living what might possible be a happy memory some day.

I started the college before 6 days and it’s... it's

It’s a life; it’s something beyond my normal life. Something wonderful, something new, it’s what I need.

We are taking 7 subject and they are:

Physiology, cell biology, organic chemistry, English language, medical statistic, Anatomy and human rights :) all in English but the last one is not.

Physiology looks interesting and amuse especially that Dr Basaam is wonderful man, he really work hard, I hold a great respect to him from the first lesson.

Next week we'll have our first physiology lab and the Dr asked each student to bring a frog with them to the lab :) I have an idea about what we'll do in those frogs but you really don't want to know. But the problem is I didn’t find any frog in our garden, I asked my entire relative to look for one for me and I didn’t get any frog yet. In spite the fact that I love Frog, I am so eager to ….*you know*.

Dr Omar who takes us Anatomy subject look good too, look like he is a popular teacher in both pharmacy and medical colleges.

Cell biology (cytology) being given by Dr. Farah (women) she is good but she talks so fast and gives us so much homeworks.

Medical statistic was my biggest nightmare in the first two lessons, I don't like her. Anyway, I studied the lessons one more time with my mom and I think I understood it inshallah.

We are about 120 students in Pharmacy College; the boys are not more than 25. The boys are so polite and quite and they are studying all the time, when we had our rest time, the girls spread in the university and went to bought sandwiches and had fun and the boys stayed in their places like an old mans who have nothing but books to read. They make me angry, why all that studying??

The most enjoying time I spent this week in the college is in the human right’s lesson. The teacher asked us to define what human right, and this question let us hear the boys’ voices for the first time ever. One commented that not all the people deserved to be called a human and this comment made everyone laugh, he really have a special idea but I don’t know why we all boys and girls didn’t control ourselves without laughing. One other boy began talking about France revolution and He said that he read book about this revolution and he made sure that everyone know that he had read a book. Talking about this revolution as an answer for every question and giving insensible answers.

During this month,

I thought a lot of me and who is really me!! And I decided that I need more time to spend with me and so I will work hard this year for me. Me, is the one that I am really don’t know, I don’t know what color she prefer? What desert she love? Which stories she like? And who is really she…

She, maybe the girl that survive,

The one that always be a live

Maybe the victim of this war,

The one who is really looking for

Maybe the rain that falling down,

The one who never want to get down

Maybe the weakest girl in world,

But not the weakest letter in these words

For the sake of me and my dreams, for the sake of that smile which was given to non but me, for the sake of my grandpa and for the sake of my country and for the sake of my religion and my God, I will be better person this year. I will find me.

I will not give up doing something to change the whole situation around me and me…. I want to know my destination; I want to draw the whole road that leading to the end and in the end I will be life in secure.

وكأن كل ما حولي مُقدِم على التغيير, وكأن كل بذرة على وشك التزهير. وكأني نفسي أنا لقيت دربا وفيه سوف أسير. ولأول مره أعرف وجهتي, و لأول مره أعرف ميعاد رحلتي ولاول مره أترك أنا غرفتي و قلمي يستبق فكرتي وفكرتي تستبق رواية قصتي وقصتي تستبق الحدث وكأنني عرفت الآن هويتي ,عرفت الآن غايتي ..بات كل شيءٍ الآن واضح.

أن شاء الله واضح

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

eyes on my life

Salam to all,

The winter is coming and the weather is getting cold every day, Najma and Aya have a flue already, and I am not feeling fine theses couple of days.

I have very good news, I was accepted in pharmacy college in Mosul University.

I am so eager to go throw this experience and start a new life as a college student. I still remember very well my first steps in the primary school and I still remember how scare I was and how I spent the first days following Najma from place to place. Najma, Poor girl, happy because I didn’t apply to her college. Who want to be with a sister in the same college anyway!!

A way from her eyes is a great opportunities for me to be natural, but my cousin who is two years older than me is also learning pharmacy in the same college so I am not really can do stupidities and get away from them without being noticed. I know that my cousin is very good boy and he will help me while being in college but I am still not relieve for the idea of having a relative in my college.

I am still not sure when I will start my college but I guess the time is not far away.

I will see a people, I will see streets and will learn knowledge ( I will have a life) .

PٍS:all our study and courses are in English, I know my English is good but I don’t know any of the medical words, I can’t even pronounce most of them. I am searching for a medical dictionary, better to be English-Arabic. And if you find a dictionary I can download it on computer it’s will be great even if it’s English- English.


The situation is Mosul is still getting worse but in the other hand there are things getting better. A few roads which were close last two months, today they are open.

Talking about negative situation:

Before two weeks, our neighbor’s brother who is about 30 years old, married and having a kid did’t return to home. They thought that he was kidnapped and they waited a call from the people who kidnapped him, wanted money for the sake of his release. Unfortunately, no one call. And two days later he was found in the postmortem room. Today, our neighbor called and said that he is leaving Iraq to Armenia .

The basic is:

We are still insecure and in danger even when we are in our own house. But life goes on.

Your pharmacist friend from iraq

Friday, November 02, 2007


Salam to all,

As you all know, I finished my hight school this year with a good average, high enough to enter the collage I want.

After I got my mark, I began to think seriously about what I want to be. I always dream to go to Pharmacy College but for some reason I hesitated about it.

To be a pharmacist is a good and suitable job for me if I will work in Iraq. But Will I have a future as a pharmacist if I’ll leave Iraq!! . I don’t trust the situation to be better tomorrow.

So, I was between choosing to go to pharmacy college, Dentistry College and Art cultural college. I asked for advices, I hear people opinions and I was completely lost. I was really unable to take a decision and that make me feel very angry.

After a while I removed Art cultural college from my list and I began to take different decision everyday, everyday I change my mind and everyday I fall apart.

I compare between the two collages and it’s led me to:

If I chose Dentistry College I will be called a doctor, I will have a future job outside Iraq. Dentistry College is easier to study than Pharmacy College, the building of dentistry college loohs great, but in the other hand, I will be hated by all children and I am not sure if I will not hate myself too. I can’t imagine myself putting my hand in someone’s mouth. I can’t stand the smell of the mouths. At the end, I asked my dentist for advice and he said that pharmacy is more suitable for women.

Although, Pharmacy is very hard college, may not have a good future as a job, the building of pharmacy’s college look like a Gail and pharmacist are called chemists in some other countries; but I am very much like chemistry and I am in love with everything associated with it. Pharmacy was always the college I dreamed of. So I took my options and write:

Mosul University, the college of pharmacy as the first option

Mosul University, the college of dentistry as the second option

Usually, Medicine College is the college number one which needs the highest marks; the dentistry college is the college number two and then pharmacy college. Although my marks are high enough to go to Medicine College, but I never think to be a doctor. It’s a hard job in Iraq especially after the war. Doctors are in danger to be kidnapped and to be murder plus they have to sleep in the hospitals. And I am completely surrounded by doctor, my father, my uncle, my sister and my brother in law. I don’t think I am going to be good on that, seeing blood, seeing injured people. I have a weak heart, I know I can’t stand all that.

Anyway, although I chose Pharmacy College but I have to take an exam and then my mark will lead me to one of the two colleges: pharmacy or dentistry.

I am eager to go to college but the problem is, I am not studying. I tried and tried but I got nothing. I can’t focus in what I am reading; in fact I read the book and my mind in something else. I can’t help it… But my position is still good, even if I'll get zero.


see you later,

The girl who was H.N.K

Monday, October 22, 2007

Or not

Are we crazy or we are not?

Before a couple of days, Najma’s friend told her that she will do a visit to our house the day after. Najma was planning to make بسكت بارد (sort of sweet), she didn’t have a time to cook it during the day so at about one am and while I was working on the computer; I saw the light of the kitchen lit on.” Najma surely lose her mind, cooking sweet after the mid-night” I thought.

A minute later, she came asking for help which is something I ready to do especially if this help is cooking. We were both in the kitchen cooking, laughing and trying not to make noise so we won’t be cauught by grandma or mom who will definitely tell everyone that we were cooking sweet in the night, and because my aunt in law is one from everyone’s group, that will lead us to be the major subject in the latest news. After all, we were enjoying our private process and we were wondering if we are crazy or not J

While we were both in the middle of this, the electricity turns off.

In the dark, we were both laughing and sure that we are crazy. Anyway, the dark didn’t stop us from continuing what we had started. Thanks Allah, we didn’t be caught but there was certainly shock look on mom’s face when she opened the refrigerator and saw the sweet ;)

Is there a curfew or there is not?

The day after that, Najma’s friend came to our house as we expected but she only staid for a quarter an hour and her brother called her and said that the policemen said that there is a curfew. Minutes later, her father came to take her and she went without tasting the sweet, without finishing Najma’s photo album, and without open a subject to talk about.

Can you believe this?

An hour later the curfew ended, she is certainly a lucky girl L

Are we chickens or we are not?

There is a fact say there are no cars in the street after 7pm and there is another fact says Iraqi people go to sleep at about 10 pm and the question is: when did the chicken go to sleep, before or after 10?

In my case and in Najma’s case and in the case of each young Iraqi we won’t go to bed before 11 pm because we are * I don’t know* and because other reasons which I don’t really realize them yet but in our parents’ case, oh yeah they do go to bed early. My mom was talking with her brother on the net who live in United Arab emirate and he mentioned that he will go to eat ice cream in the 9 pm, mom told him that she is fighting to keep awake and not sleep till 10 and he was unbelieving that and he questioned “ are you chickens?”

So really are we chickens?

Is it a life or it’s not?

I can’t forget that during Saddam’s time, we were go to eat ice cream everyday after midnight. Oh, I want the old days to come back, I want the old day to come back. I want to see the moon, to see the sky afternoon, to see the hope coming soon, to see the life like a movie cartoon not like a frighten movie night, not like that. I want to be a normal girl, living a normal life. Not this girl who is sitting in front of the computer, writing a diary and trying to be such a funny, lovely girl. I want to take off hnk’s nickname and I want to throw out her bad memories and I want to clean her heart from pain and I want just to be myself and just to talk to myself and just to hear my voice and just to play my role.

I just want to be..

To be someone else

PC: I wonder if she is me who write in this blog or she is not!

And I wonder if she is not, so who is she? I wonder…


Me, myself not I

Friday, October 19, 2007

Just talking

عيد بأي حال عدت يا عيد ….. بما مضى أم لأمـر فيك تجديد

أما الأحبة فالبيـداء دونهم …. فليت دونـك بيد دونهـا بيد

In eleventh of October, the sound of a huge explosion woke me up from my dear sleep. A bomb in van exploded in the neighbourhood near al Sina'a region. Many people died and many people lost their stores and other buildings.

I feel sorry for those who lost their stores and buildings (I have a heart, you know) but am I really feeling sorry for the people who died!! I don't think so (see, I don't really have a heart). I feel sorry for their parents and their children but not for them. Life is not what we look for nor what we seek or what we are good at. I am not sorry because I know that they were not happy.

Life is a game and it's so clear that we are losing it. The people who died are obviously the people who pressed "quit" to end the game. It's maybe unwise to end the game before we finish it, but they win the battle even if they lose the war.

Away from violence, Life will go on and on

(a drowning man will clutch at a straw).


Since we came back from Syria, I and Najma (my sister) spent hours every day trying our new clothes. Hours and hours passed with changing clothes and one question kept repeating itself: when will we really wear this clothes?

Finally the first day of Eid came and I was able to wear my new clothes ( I wondered why the picture of myself wearing those clothes is so familiar!!:)

On the first day of Eid, all my uncles, aunts and cousins came to our house. It's the first Eid after my grandpa's death and it's a tradition to visit the family of the dead person in Al-Eid.

My father's cousin also came to our house. All I did on this first day of Eid was boil water and make coffee. After 7 hours of making coffee and serving it, I was completely tired but really happy indeed.

Now Ramadan and Eid are over and our usual boring life remains and is not over.

Do you know what else is over? This post is over.

So until our next post

Good bye

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Truth will prevail

Salam all,

First I have an announcement:

If you want to make a visit to my house, you are welcome. You can find me in there anytime. I am not going anywhere; I don't intend to go to anywhere. I am not going to lie and say that I don't like going out and making visits but you are a very dear guest. * If you lied once you can make another lie*.

I am spending my holiday in my house. Don't think it's a boring holiday. I am doing all the sort of things that you do.

I sometime go for a walk. Taking some steps from one room to another. From kitchen to guest room, from bedroom to bathroom, and some time I make progress and go to our backyard just for a walk in the garden. You know walking is a good sport.

There is something you don't know about me; it's how much I love music. I think I have a musician ears. I like music, je l'aime.

It seem like the pilots of the American airplanes heard about my interest in the sound of the warplane and military airplane ( not true) but they really seem like they have an order not to let anyone sleep. I am so sorry for disappointing them. I woke up one day and I found myself in love with the sound they make. It's not like other sounds; these sounds are special and they are a natural sound. They are like bed's song . They are not merely an annoying, ugly, awful, hideous sounds and impossible to hear. They help mothers to hush their babies. They help the community to discover the valuable of silence.

If speech was made from silver, then silent is made from gold.

I am not a bookish girl; I never will be. But the situation in Mosul gave me an unwanted present. It's a space time. Therefore I found myself ending reading one book and start to read another. I don't know why I didn't do that ages ago!! Reading is really amusing and a useful habit. I read a police story written by Agatha Kristy. And I read two books of Harry Potter's series and some other stories and useful books. Reading a book is much easier than writing a book, don't you think?

I am still holding tightly what hope I have remaining especially after I survived last night.

At about 1 A.M I went out of my room. I was half asleep and my eyes were nearly closed and there was creature with green evil eyes looking at me. It seemed like it had an invitation to enter my room. It was walking towards me and my room when my brain finally receives a call that this creature is a cat.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!", I shouted loudly and pushed my way back into my room and closed the door behind me and I began to scream and yell for help. " There is a cat in the house!", I shouted and Najma (My sister who knows very well how much I hate cats and how much I am afraid from the sight of them) woke up my father and told him the story.

My father went upstairs where my room is and he saw the cat running from the warehouse's window. He told me that the cat left and that I am safe now, but I insisted that he walk downstairs with me hand-in-hand. My father was very furious and he said to me "You are lucky, the cat didn't eat you".

I don't expect him to be proud of my brave behavior because I was really shaking and full of fears. Anyway, I survived and the cat didn't eat me.

Najma as usual didn't stop giggling at me. Hmm, I miss the old times when I was the brave girl and she was the one who don't have the courage to enter the kitchen without the company of someone. I invented the story that there is a ghost named Shahrurah living in the kitchen and since then, she didn't enter the kitchen alone.

I don't know what the reason that makes the people here feel bored and wishing that they could leave Iraq. Najma, for example, is reading a book called Faster Than The Speed of Light and she is reading something about transport across time !! (I told you she is weird, But you didn't listen!) She wants to live the future without living the present!! *yuk*

Why did anybody want to live in the future since everything is going to worse? why does anybody want to live another second, another hour, and another day?

Who said she will find herself in the future anyway? Who said she will be alive? Who said there will be a life?

It's very difficult to understand the incentives and the reasons that make her think that there will be a better future.

Your friend from present,

H.N.K (The survivor)

Friday, October 05, 2007

The first of October

Remember remember the first of October the Gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...

Remember remember the first of October
The date of disaster, the date of …

The first of November was the first day of going to university after the summer holiday.

Najma (my sister) was so eager to start her second year in her college * what can I say! She is so weird*

My sister, my mother went to Mosul University and my mother planned with Najma that If her lessons end early, she will go to my mother college and they will go back home together and if not, Najma will be waiting for my dad near Najma’s college.

Although Najma is not a good listen girl, she followed the instructions.

At about 1 PM bomb car exploded in the same place where Najma and my dad arrange to meet.

I was in the house numbering the walls in each chamber of it, and guess what? In each chamber, there are 4 walls, not more not less.

I didn’t hear the an explosion but I hear my cell phone ringing (my mobile) and it was my dad who was calling me

- Dad, I am hnk. Is there any place I could be in except home!
- I thought I called your mom... CLOSE THE PHONE
- Ok * It’s not my fault, is it?*

I thought that my mother didn’t meet my father in the place they planned to meet (as usual).

Frankly speaking, my father was calling my mother after he saw a fire and a bomb car in the place where he should meet Najma. So he called my mother to see whether Najma went to my mother’s college and survive or not?

Did she die or did she not? This is the question

She did finish her lessons soon and went to my mother’s college and remain there .There, is where she heard the explosion of the bomb car, there is where my mother sat shocked because she was so close to lose a daughter and there is where Najma found a new and another reason to say when we ask her to do some of house work
-“I was going to die today, and you want me to wash the dishes?? “

They met my dad and ran back home before the police closed the streets.

And while I was studying the theory that says “All chambers have but only one roof”, my cell phone rang again.
She was my mom and she said :
“we are going to see your cousin, bomb car took place near the university and your cousin was injured “

Suddenly and before any warning the tears fell down and my shaking voice said “how is he??”

My mother assured me that he is fine; she said that they didn’t see him yet, but he drove his car by himself and went to his house.

My cousin told them the whole story.
He was shopping in front of the university, buying watermelon, and a car in the next street exploded. He said that the sound was so loud. that he couldn't belive that he still can hear.

After the explosion he found him self lying on the ground far away from the place he was standing and the shop keeper was also lying in the ground but in another side which is also away from where he was.
He said that there was money and watermelons every where.
His clothes had tears and he was injured in his legs.

The situation was so crowded at that moment, there were 6 injured people (4 of them are student) and there was one dead man (he was a teacher in the university) this is the information I heard in the news (of course there were more injured people that are not count (the news couldn’t cover everything) such as my cousin.

My cousin left the place and drove his car to his house before his mother and wife heard the news.

He left the watermelon he bought and his money in the ground as a sign, sign talks and said :

Here is where a man was lying…
Here is where a man left his belonging stuff and took his soul to his child and family. A soul which is maybe a reason of the life of some people.

At the end I could improve the theory: The chamber has but only one roof

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Hidden tears

I admit and acknowledge that my dreams are dreams.

And my ambition is an ambition

And my destiny is a destiny

And my faith is my faith.

And my soul is a soul

But what I can’t admit and can’t understand

Why my life is not mine.

I feel like someone being led, like some one being controlled.

like someone stifly his voice and hide his tears...

And keep pretenting he is fine and wish invisibly that he will be

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Scattered words

Hope came yesterday and I don’t know why it came.

Did it come to say good bye? Or did it come to say I am satisfy?

I am really can’t guess why!

Scattered words

Hundreds and hundreds miles were separated us from the edge.

Plans, dreams and successful were the fence of our age.

Days came and passed away, we were in the top of the stage.

But sorry to tell you my friend, now my heart is full of rage.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Life is difficult.. life is hard

Another morning and another day, I woke up and said to myself over again for the third time in that week “yesterday I’ll start my examinations”.

Scare, yes I was so scared that they will postpone the exam again and I was feeling uncomfortable and unsettle.

I heard in the news that there is a curfew in Basra and I expect that they will postponed the exam, so I didn’t read Arabic till 4 pm when I was somehow overcome to my last disappointment .

Finally, a new day had come… a very precious and wanted day had come. It’s the day of our first examination.

I was nervous in the morning before I went to my school and I was still can’t believe that I’ll really do the exam. Till the last second before the Exam started, I had confidence that the ministry of education will announced for another surprise.

Anyway, I took the Arabic exam and I did well. The other examinations passed smoothly and I finished my examination on the third of July.

I was so happy that I am in the holiday, the holiday that I was waiting for along long times. But I was sad that I missed my cousin’s engagement.

Anyway, I did one from the harder accomplishment on my life. I finish the high school. I am from now a fresh woman.

After a couple of weeks I went to Syria to see my uncle and aunt. My uncle left Iraq since 2004 and we didn’t see him since then. So it was so nice to see him and see my new cousin.

We spent good and happy times in Syria and after 15 days of having a peaceful and quite life we turn back to our Home (Iraq). So sad and so glad to return back to Iraq.

In our way to Iraq we had a little accident, the driver was making a call while he was driving the car, A child was standing in the middle of the road and the driver didn’t see him. My uncle was sitting beside the driver and he was half sleep but he saw the child.

“ look ahead” that’s what I heard before the car went right and left and then right and left and then we knock something and they the car continued running UN straightly. After a minutes which really seems like a hours, the car stopped and we were all shock, looking to each others with our full open eyes. Thanks Allah the child was still a live, so we took him with us in the car to the nearest hospital and then we had to change the car because the driver staid with the boy in the hospital. The car that transported us to Iraq was so old. It had no cooler. So we were dying for 10 hours. The accident was a welcome message from our country.

After a week we reached our house “ joking”

After a week I received my mark. It was a good mark but not the marks I was expecting nor the mark I deserved but it still good.

I get the average 94.4 but I have an extra special addition for taking French language make my average 97.6.

This Mark enable me to go to any college I want.

What college I planning to go? That’s what you’ll know in the next post

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Life is difficult

Hi all,

In the 11 of June we have only one day separated us from the first day of examination.

I woke up in the morning and the smile was drawn on my face because finally I was going to have an exam after all that studying and studying. I took my breakfast with my father and I remember very well that he told me “the exams will never end if you won’t start them”

At about 12 AM, there was only 15 hours left to start.

My mobile rang and there was one new message. It was from my cousin and he said that the exam of tomorrow has been postponed.

I didn’t believe that, I thought that he was joking and he was playing with me.

How could they postpone the exams!!

It’s not a game. All Iraqi students in their last year of Hieght School are going to take the Islam Exam the day after that day.

To believe or not to believe is not our options because it did happen and the exam was really postpone till the first of July. News came that the questions were leaked and they have to change them.

So it was really a game.

I rushed upstairs and take a bath and tried to feel better after hearing that news. Anyway, after two hours I began to study Arabic because I have an Arabic exam two days after.

In the day before the exam the smile turn back in my face. And I finished my study before dinner. And when I sat down at the table I told my family that I am a little scared and I only ate two bites before my mother’s mobile rang and she go and talk to someone and then came back to the kitchen with a rather long face and when I saw her My heart began to throb hardly and then she said “ HNK” and I said No..No...Not again and she said “Yes” and I crash into tears and I cries so hardly that all the family around the table looked at me feeling so sorry for the bad looking I was because my exam was postponed again. My sister was really feeling worried about me and she didn’t stop asking my father to do something for me. After that my father gave me valume and I go to bed after along times of crying and when I woke up in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes was swallowed and looked red.

This postponed was because there was a curfew in Baghdad in the day of our real exam.

Any way… that’s too did passed

to be continue

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

East or west.. my grand father is the best

It was a time when men were real men and women were real women and their

innocent little children were the hope of changing to better future.

It was a time where Iraqi people were like a big family… where friends were brother and brother were real friend.

It was times where life was simple and people were reflex their simple life.

In the 1921, my grandpa was born in Mosul. Iraq. Feb. 5th. He was the young child between his brothers and his sisters.

My grandpa grew up In the middle of a big Family. Unfortunately he lost his mother when he was a little child. And that affected on him widely that until his last days he was always mention his mom and miss her impressively.

His brothers didn’t finish their secondary school. But in spite of that we can’t say anything but they were really educated. And that book was always in their hands.

At that time, the numbers of people who finish the high school were very small. So two brothers went to learn and practice their family Vocation that Vocation which was inherited by generations.

All the people admire their kind of work and the sayings about my family reputation are passed through generation.

Unlike his brothers, he continues his study in the secondary school and he was so elegant that he was graduated from the high school and won the second class on Iraq.

In 1943, he finished his studying the civil engineering in the American university of Beirut.

In 1959, he finished his post graduate diploma in Hydraulic Engineering in Holland.

Then in 1962 he finished his PhD in irrigation and drainage engineering. In Utah state university, USA.

Then he return back to Baghdad and occupied many important positions even he was appointed vice president in charge of establishing a university in Mosul, in addition to being dean to the college within the new university, beside many similar positions in Baghdad later.

He was also a member of many scientific academies all over the world. He composed 6 books at his life.

He was retired and nominated Professor emeritus of irrigation, university of Baghdad in 1986.

I am so much proud to be a grand daughter of such a person and I dream of the day when I will go back to sleep and say to myself” If my grand father was here, he will be proud”.

As a grand daughter, I had grown up away from my grand father. He was living in Baghdad and I am living in Mosul.

When I was a little child my grandpa was that man with glasses who was all the time reading books, and he was also the man who have a computer. The first computer and the only one I saw till the age of 6 was my grandfather’s computer.

When I became a teenager I began to see the fact of my grandfather. When people said you are clever, one comment “like her grandpa” and when I go to the university with my mom, old men came and said “I was your grandpa student”.

Previously when we use to go to Baghdad to spend the holiday there, my grandfather was an inspiration to me. At that time we all have a computer but we don’t have like his amazing room. That room which was cover with books, hundreds and hundreds of them.

That room makes you feel like you are in a small library. I remember when I was a little kid, how much I loved to be in that room, and I was always looking for a chance to sneak myself there.

An order to call my grandfather for lunch was an order that I do with pleasure. Now, I imagine myself in a cartoon movie, having a red hair and dress cartoon clothes and sneaking my self in my grandfather’s room and stop in the middle and examining all the books around and being catch by my grand father. It’s funny but it’s never happened. And I don’t have a red hair anyway.

What I notice in that room is the smell, the same smell of my grandpa… nice and weird smell. It’s the smell of knowledge.

Nice days… nice memories and painful one. Now, that room and the big house are empty of people. It’s hurting that we can’t reach that house because it’s in Baghdad.

When I buy a book, I think of one thing “did my grandfather have that book”. Many precious books that I want to read are staying there in that room away from hands. My aunt and uncles left to Dubai and my grandpa and my grandma left everything behind them and came to our house in Mosul.

Here in Mosul is where my grandfather died. But after all I am happy that he turn back to his place of birth and died where he want to die and buried where he wish, between his brother and father.

All I want to say is “I love you my grandpa”...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

ذهب مع الريح: Part one

I know you missed me and you were worried about me, well you should :)
I also know that I didn't write anything from along long months. Therefore I have many things to talk about and I don't know from where I should start.

In the first of April we stopped going to school in order to study for the Exams we were going to take in the 12of June. The first month of studying was excellent I was studying hard and I was doing my best.

As you know, my grand father and my grand mother came from Baghdad after my uncle and aunt left Baghdad in order to find what you called it a life. the situation became UN believable in Baghdad and it was somehow UN possible for human being to live there .

In May my grand father's health began to get worse day after day.

Some day I woke up in the morning, Mom sat to break fast and she was too close to cry. I knew that my grandfather was not OK that Morning. I entered his room and said Hello, and he opens his mouth but he couldn't reply. But I knew that he heard me .

I don't know what I was thinking that time but I went to my room to study, I was trying to persuade myself that he is OK and it was just like the days before. I really knew he is not OK and his day is today . I mean:

كلُ نجمٍ الى الافولِ ولكن.. ... آفةُ النجمِ أن يخاف الافولا

Anyway: I lost my grand father that day while I was studying up stair... Well he was more than my grand father, he was my hero and he will always be

Saturday, March 03, 2007

My vacation

I was talking with my mother in our Kitchen while she was washing the dishes.

he is my dad, he was sitting in the living room watching the news

they were a passing by... they were 3 women and a kid walking in the street.

that's what we heard, my mom jumped from her place and I was too busy watching my mom.
my dad as usual did what he always does when we heard an explosion.

He went out of the house. At that time there was a shooting so I go after him and pleased him to come inside and when he came back he was followed by 3 women and a child. they were walking in the street and the explosion made them crazy so they ran into our house. They sat for a little while and then left after the shooting stopped.

the situation is always getting worse. one day ago, we heard about 2 big explosions each hour.
We didn't even fix the kitchen's window that broke last month. because every day we heard an explosion which is big enough to break the window over again.

Before a couple of days my aunt came from
Baghdad to see my uncle after his operation.
After one day from her arrival, a big explosion took place near from the house she was visiting. All the window of the house had broken and some of the doors too. my aunt injured in her front head but it is a small one so don't worry about that.

Before two days I went with my friend to visit
Mosul university, Our journey was beautiful. We visited My sister's college and pharmacy college and some others.
The whole university looked so nice especially my sister's college, but pharmacy college looked awful, It was like a jail.
After that journey, Part of me felt happy because after no long time I will be there but in the other hand, part of me felt sad because I didn't feel that I belong to pharmacy college (which was my dream). Maybe because its bad looking or maybe my uncle advice me to re-think about it. I really don't know but I thing that I began to like architect college.
who's know??

Hey I remembered that I took some pictures inside biology collegea and they are that picture above.

Your friend


Thursday, February 15, 2007

turn back to basic

Hello all,

I really feel sorry that I didn't write from along long time, well, the first reason was I was taking my mid year exams and now I finished them. So I am in the holiday now, two weeks of holiday.

In this year the last year of secondary school we are taking 8 basic courses and we can divided them into :
Physics, chemist, biology, mathematics, Islamic, Arabic, English, French.

well, In this year our marks during the year are not important and they don't play part in the college we have to go. For now, I just need to have more than 50% in all the exams and then I will take the exams that are the most important exams in my life and in this exams my grade will decided whither I have to go to pharmacy or engineering or any other college.

I will take that exams in June and till that time the only thing I can do for me is to study and the only thing you can do for me is to pray.

my father now is in Syria, my uncle need to make an operation in hurry time after he had a heart attack.
he did the operation before three days and now he is fine thanks God. We are expect my father to come today.

the last few weeks was hard for me. But it was harder for some people who are close to me. such as My friend who moved to Syria with her parents and leave Iraq to move after that to Canada. Before a couple of weeks I heard that her father died in Syria. that was horrible. I didn't stop thinking of her. I was so worried for her and feel so sorry. I called her and her voice was horrible. So please join my prayer for her.

The other horrible news I heard was that my friend's niece who is few months younger than Aya died when she was a sleep without any reason, she wasn't sick or something.
That news make me crazy and seeing my friend make me feel horrible. whenever she talked to me I began to cry and she began to cry. I don't know what to say to her. I know how much she loved her niece and how much it's hard to her to lose her. she said some words that make me shiver. she said that when she remembers her niece she feel like if there is someone taking her heart away and then turning it to it's place. you know that was exactly what I feel when I think of Baghdad and remember how much beautiful it was and how much we were happy in Saddam's time.
If losing a niece hurt her as much as losing a country then we have to do something for this girl. because I know what happened to her is bigger than she could bear. bigger than her to believe.

قل لمن لست أسمي.............بابي انتِ وأُمي
بأبي انتِ لقد أُحبُ .........بحتُ من أكبر همي
ولقد قلتُ لاهلي ...........أذا اذاب الحبُ لحمي
وأرادوا لي طبيباً ...........فاكتفوا مني بعلمي
من يكُ يجهلُ ما ألقى......... فأن الحب سقمي
أن روحي لدى بغداد .......وفي الكوفة جسمي

لابي العتاهيه

Monday, January 01, 2007

The end of the end

Am I here like someone special..........?
or I am special because I am here......?

because from now and forever
I want nothing but only but to be here

I want to be that someone who was born here..raised here, and more over dies here

Am I here living in Iraq or I am just imagining myself there?

I have mouth, eyes, and moreover I have ears
I can hear their whispers...I can see the results of their crimes fill the streets with fear.

the eyes filled with tears..the hearts filled with fear...the mouths filled with words I wonder if you will hear

hear their words..their stories...hear their tales of this year.
I wonder if you will hear. I wonder, will you burst into tears,I wonder if you will really dare to hear?

Many things happened that deserve to write about.
But Many hours passed I thought that I could not write in this blog anymore. I can't say Happy Eid for all, I can't say happy christmas and happy new year.
Because I feel that I am writing only a words that can't do anything for the people who read it.

My words didn't left steps in your hearts and it will never do. because my words is mine. it only mean to me because it's come from the deepest point from my heart.

You know what?
I think I was wrong.. ... My opinions changed from the first year I wrote in this blog. I thought in that time that everything is going to be good and acceptable for all of us but I was wrong my friend, I was so wrong. I was wrong when I said that Saddam don't mean to me anything. I was wrong when I said that I think he is a bad guy ( he might be, but he might be not).

Now I feel guilty because now I believe that he is a MAN ( a brave man) if you just saw the video that someone took in his execution, you will see no fear from death. You will see a look in his face, a look of someone who is ready to challenge, who believe that he was right . Who believed he was doing the right thing after all.
He was smiling . I don't think that I will smile if I was in his shoes.
I will probably burst into tears and say Mameeee :(

Anyway, from now, I won't say anything bad about Saddam because I don't know whether he was right or wrong . But I know that the people who came after Saddam is Evil and worse than devil and Saddam was better than them......

And I have to say something, What were they thinking when they executed Saddam in the first day of Eid ? Eid is our chance to be happy, to gather with our family and try to forget everything bad. And they turned our happy feeling to sadness. This is the most stupid thing they have ever had, did this people lost their mind? I am sure of that . That was a huge Mistake ( a very huge mistake).

Thank you all for reading... And happy new year

your lost friend HNK

from where Iraq was there